If you feel like you’re constantly reminding your child what to do, the goal may not be getting better at giving directions. The goal may be helping your child gradually need fewer of them.
“Put your shoes on.”
…
“Hey… shoes.”
…
“Did you hear me? Put your shoes on.”
…
“WHY DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU THREE TIMES?!”
If you’ve had some version of that conversation lately, you’re probably not alone.
School is back in full swing.
Mornings are busy.
Homework is happening.
Activities are running.
Backpacks need to be packed.
Water bottles need to be remembered.
And sometimes it feels like getting a child to complete one simple task requires reminding them over…
and over…
and over.
Eventually we may start telling ourselves:
“My child just doesn’t listen.”
But what if we looked at the problem differently?
Because the ultimate goal isn’t raising a child who becomes incredibly good at waiting for our instructions.
It’s helping them become a young person who increasingly recognizes what needs to be done and does it themselves.
That’s a very different goal.
And it changes how we think about listening, responsibility, and independence.
Listening Is a Skill—Not an Identity
When we’re frustrated, it’s easy to say:
“You never listen.”
“You can’t pay attention.”
“I have to tell you everything five times.”
We may be describing a frustrating behavior.
But a child can begin hearing something bigger:
“This is who I am.”
There’s a difference between:
“You’re not a good listener.”
and:
“You didn’t listen to that instruction. Let’s reset and try it again.”
One labels the child.
The other identifies a behavior they can improve.
Listening involves several skills:
Stop.
Pay attention.
Understand what’s expected.
Remember it.
Act.
Follow through.
And like other skills, children get better through practice.
But there’s another piece that’s even more important.
Eventually, we want them to recognize what needs to happen before we say anything at all.
From Direction to Ownership
Think about something as simple as your child’s backpack.
Your child comes home from school.
Backpack hits the middle of the floor.
Stage 1: Direction
At first, you might say:
“Please put your backpack where it belongs.”
Your child does it.
Great.
But notice who did the thinking.
You did.
You noticed the backpack.
You remembered the expectation.
You decided something needed to happen.
You gave the instruction.
Your child followed it.
That’s appropriate when we’re teaching a routine.
But we don’t want to stay there forever.
Stage 2: Awareness
After your child knows the routine, instead of immediately giving the answer, try asking a question.
“What do you need to do with your backpack?”
Now something different has happened.
Your child’s brain has to participate.
They have to notice.
Remember.
Retrieve the expectation.
And make the decision to act.
As the routine becomes stronger, we can make the question even less specific.
Instead of:
“What do you need to do with your backpack?”
it becomes:
“What do you need to take care of now that you’re home?”
We’re shifting more of the thinking to the child.
This is where a question can sometimes be more useful than another command.
Stage 3: Ownership
Eventually, something pretty great happens.
Your child walks through the door.
Shoes go where they belong.
Backpack gets put away.
Water bottle gets emptied.
Homework gets put where it needs to go.
And you haven’t said anything.
That’s the destination.
Not because you’ve finally trained your child to obey perfectly.
Because they’ve developed enough awareness and repetition that:
“This is what I do when I get home.”
The responsibility has moved from your brain to theirs.
They may still occasionally need redirecting.
They’re kids.
Adults need reminders sometimes, too.
But overall, this has become something they own rather than something you constantly monitor.
At AKF, we think of that progression as:
DIRECTION → AWARENESS → OWNERSHIP
At first:
I tell you.
Then:
I help you notice.
Eventually:
You own it.
There’s Research Behind Giving Kids More Ownership
This idea connects with something we’ve been studying at AKF outside of martial arts instruction.
In their book The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives, clinical neuropsychologist Dr. William Stixrud and educator Ned Johnson make the case for giving children an age-appropriate sense of control over their lives.
Their message isn’t that children should run the household or that parents should stop providing boundaries.
Parents still provide safety, expectations, wisdom, guidance, and appropriate limits.
But Stixrud and Johnson encourage parents to consider a role that includes being a consultant—helping children learn to think, make age-appropriate decisions, solve problems, and increasingly take responsibility for their own lives.
That distinction matters.
Because if we’re always:
noticing,
remembering,
deciding,
reminding,
and solving…
our children don’t get as many opportunities to practice doing those things themselves.
Sometimes we need to give the thinking back.
Questions Help Give the Thinking Back
Once your child already knows an expectation, experiment with replacing some instructions with questions.
Instead of:
“Put your shoes away.”
try:
“Where do your shoes belong?”
Instead of:
“Get your backpack ready.”
try:
“What needs to be ready for tomorrow?”
Instead of:
“Don’t forget your water bottle.”
try:
“What do you need before we leave?”
Instead of:
“Go do your homework.”
try:
“What’s your plan for getting your homework finished tonight?”
We’re not lowering the expectation.
We’re shifting who is doing the thinking.
There is one important caution:
Don’t turn questions into disguised nagging.
“Don’t you think you should be doing your homework right now?”
isn’t really a question.
The child knows there’s only one acceptable answer.
The purpose of a good question is to get their brain involved:
What do I need to do?
What’s my plan?
What happens next?
Did I remember everything?
That’s awareness.
Why Not Just Tell Them?
Because telling them is often faster.
Much faster.
As adults, we already know what needs to happen.
We can see the backpack.
The shoes.
The homework.
The lunchbox.
The messy room.
The forgotten water bottle.
So we solve the problem.
And tomorrow…
we solve it again.
But faster isn’t always the developmental goal.
Sometimes allowing a child a few extra seconds to think—or allowing them to make an age-appropriate mistake—gives them an opportunity to practice something we eventually want them doing without us.
That fits the broader principle Stixrud and Johnson discuss in The Self-Driven Child: children need age-appropriate opportunities to exercise autonomy, make decisions, solve problems, and develop a sense that they can manage the challenges in their lives.
That’s exactly what we’re after.
Not:
“Mom always remembers for me.”
But eventually:
“I’ve got it.”
Don’t Confuse Ownership With No Boundaries
Helping children become more self-directed does not mean:
“Do whatever you want.”
Children still need boundaries.
They still need expectations.
They still need adults to make decisions involving health, safety, family responsibilities, and things they aren’t developmentally ready to manage themselves.
Our role simply begins to change as children demonstrate greater capability.
Sometimes we’re the director.
Sometimes we’re the teacher.
Sometimes we’re the coach.
And increasingly, when they’re ready, we can become the person standing nearby asking:
“What’s your plan?”
Then let them think.
Notice When They Own It
There’s another piece parents can easily miss.
Suppose your child gets home tomorrow and puts their backpack away without being told.
Nothing went wrong.
So we don’t say anything.
But that’s actually the moment worth noticing.
Try:
“I noticed you took care of your backpack without me reminding you.”
That’s enough.
Or:
“You remembered everything you needed this morning. That’s responsibility.”
We’re helping them notice:
“I did that.”
Not:
“Mom made me.”
Not:
“Dad reminded me.”
I remembered.
I noticed.
I followed through.
That’s where responsibility starts becoming internal.
Listening Is Only the Beginning
Think about the progression again:
DIRECTION
“Put your backpack away.”
↓
AWARENESS
“What do you need to take care of now that you’re home?”
↓
OWNERSHIP
The backpack gets put away without anyone saying a word.
Now apply that to other parts of life.
At first:
“Brush your teeth.”
Later:
“What do you need to do before bed?”
Eventually:
They brush their teeth without being reminded.
At first:
“Get your shoes and backpack.”
Later:
“What do you need before we leave?”
Eventually:
They’re ready at the door.
At first:
“Put your homework in your backpack.”
Later:
“Is everything ready for tomorrow?”
Eventually:
They check it themselves.
That’s the progression we’re after.
Not perfect independence.
Not a child who never needs redirecting.
But gradually transferring responsibility from us to them.
The Bigger Goal Isn’t Compliance
Yes, sometimes we really do just need the shoes on.
The bus is coming.
We’re late.
Everybody needs to get out the door.
But we’re also raising a future adult.
Eventually, we want that young person to be able to:
Notice what needs to happen.
Think through what comes next.
Make appropriate decisions.
Take action.
Follow through.
Correct themselves when they get off track.
That’s self-discipline.
And ultimately, that’s leadership.
Not simply leading other people.
Leading yourself.
So the next time you hear yourself thinking:
“Why do I have to tell you three times?”
consider where your child is in the progression.
Do they still need direction?
Do they already know the expectation and simply need a question that creates awareness?
Or is this something they’re ready to begin owning themselves?
Then gradually give the responsibility back.
Because the goal isn’t raising a child who becomes incredibly good at following our instructions.
It’s raising a child who gradually needs fewer of them.
At first:
I tell you.
Then:
I help you notice.
Eventually:
“I’ve got it.”
Direction becomes awareness.
Awareness becomes ownership.
Ownership becomes responsibility.
Responsibility becomes self-discipline.
And self-discipline becomes part of how a young person leads themselves—even when nobody is standing there telling them what to do.
That’s a skill worth practicing.
YES I CAN!
PIL SUNG — Certain Victory!
About AKF Martial Arts Academy
At AKF Martial Arts Academy of Eau Claire, we believe martial arts development goes well beyond kicks, punches, and belts.
Our instructor team continually studies how children learn, develop confidence, build habits, respond to challenges, and gradually become more responsible for themselves.
Our goal is to work alongside Eau Claire and Chippewa Valley families to help develop confident, resilient young people who learn to lead themselves and positively influence the people around them.
Source & Further Reading
William Stixrud, Ph.D. and Ned Johnson, The Self-Driven Child: The Science and Sense of Giving Your Kids More Control Over Their Lives. The authors explore children’s need for an age-appropriate sense of control, internal motivation, stress management, decision-making, and the evolving role parents can play as children become increasingly capable of managing their own lives.